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woody asked if i'd show you around. normally i don't give tours to liars. - i'm not a liar. - that's a lie. anyway, down there is brickleberry lake. just last week, i saved a drowning man that was knocked out by a jet ski. - steve, come in, steve, i got good news. - go ahead. - that guy you hit with a jet ski decided to forget the lawsuit. 'course he forgets everything now 'cause of all the brain damage. [laughing] - thanks for that information. how 'bout a little radio silence?
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- hold on, malloy wants to talk to you. - no, i-i don't want-- - steve. steve. steve? - what! - remember that time you got drunk and thought the paper shredder was a vagina? - [grunting] bastard. that's better. - steve. [roaring] [growling] - malloy, how's the diet going, son? - mm, i didn't like it at first, but i feel really healthy now. - [chuckling] that's great, little buddy. [knocking] - i got two large supreme pies with melty-cheese-filled butter crusts, three dozen wings with extra ranch, two-liter coke, and a cup of fried chicken fat. that'll be 42 bucks. - how 'bout a car? - sweet! - malloy! i'm ashamed of you. this diet is for your own good. i don't know what i'd do if i lost you, snuggly bear.
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you know how bad my post-traumatic stress was before you moved in? pull the trigger. do it. you don't have the balls. your mother never loved you. yay! anyway, i got to get back to work. but i already made your lunch. where's my car? denzel! - woody, look. i saved a hiker. - he's dead, steve. - he was alive when i found him. - this is unacceptable, steve. you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna take away one of your gold stars. - no! - [gasping] i saw a bright light. - friggin' show-off. - good work, ethel. you get one star for saving that man's life. - and one star because you have a nice body and an okay face. - uh, okay face? - uh-oh, minus one star for attitude. - she's still kicking your ass, steve. - well, how many stars do you have? - woody, give me three stars!
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affirmative action. - technically, that's not affirmative action. it's more like star welfare. - well, i guess i underestimated you. not anymore. i'm going to destroy you. - listen, i didn't want your stupid little medal. but now? i'm going to take it just because i can. - i'm connie, by the way. - we already met. - aah! - i'm drowning, help! - help! - [coughing] [croaking] - [kissing] - [meowing] - aah! aah!
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[eagle crying] aah! aah! [squealing] [screaming] [hollering] [chirping] [gunfire] - can i see some i.d. please, honey? i don't think this is you. - it is shocking that someone with your instincts is working here. - aah! aah! aah! he robbed me! he robbed me! oh, lord!
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- oof! no! [sniffs, sneezes] - oh, god. seriously? - ooh, a cheeto. - oh, that actually had a happy ending. - what the hell do you think you're doing? - the order came in. we're putting up this hot ranger and taking down this ad for the rosie o'donnell show.
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[breezy music] ♪ - ugh...ugh... [sniffing] come on. - looking for this? come on in, man, i got tater chips, candy, moon pies, whatever you want! - you're not gonna rape me, are you? - do i look like a rapist to you? - you look exactly like a rapist. - oh, just 'cause i'm a redneck, i'm a rapist, huh?
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i'm a big, bad rapist? i guess that explains why i got this duct tape and chloroform, right? - you're really not helping your case. - no, no, no, you think i'm a rapist. it's a good thing i got this court order mandating that i stay 50 yards away from young'uns and small animals with my name on it right there. - okay, i better be getting back. - did i mention i have chocolate? - well, maybe i can come in for a minute. [door creaking open] - holy shit! - what are you doing in ethel's cabin? - i'm...wait. what are you doing in ethel's cabin? - stalking her. - oh. i'm here for the pillow fight. yah! - ow! oh! what the hell? - oh, my god, that was close. but it's so awesome we have something in common. - what? - we both like ethel.
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hold on. you'll love this. i call it my sniffy box. check it out. [sniffing] mmm! you want a hit? - you know... it's getting kind of late. - okay. well, come by any time you want to talk about ethel. i think she's perfect. well, except for the fact that she's an alcoholic. - she's a what? - it says it right here in her diary. she's a bad drunk too. that's why she was fired from yellowstone. - [slurring] this is a tree, and i've had 11 abortions. what? oops. [camera clicking] [knocking] - what do you want? - look, we got off on the wrong foot. i came over to bury the hatchet and say congratulations. it looks like we've got a new top ranger. let's celebrate! - i don't drink. - oh, me neither. this is non-alcoholic vodka. - you know what? i don't want to celebrate with you. ever since you found out that i'm actually good at my job, you've been a total jerk to me.
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- well, i'll just leave the bottle so you can celebrate by yourself. god damn it. [grunting] [straining] connie, when does ethel start her period? - in three hours, 12 minutes, and 22 seconds. why? - are you okay? - go away. - look, i shouldn't have been so hard on you. i know it must be tough having a new ranger like me around. i'm willing to forgive and forget. - how 'bout another hug? you know what? i want to get this hug just right.
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- steve, you're being silly-- - hug me, bitch! to brickleberry. where the hell am i? - where the [bleep]'s that waffle house, shit-breath? - ethel? - hey, i'd kick a baby in his face for some hash browns. - ethel? - shut up, agent [bleep] lips. whoo! this car is-- goes fast! - ethel, we're not in a car! look out! - i'm sorry. you don't like my driving, then why don't you... - i don't know how to fly a chopper! aah! - hey, get out of the fast lane, you stupid mountain. - ay, santa maria. i'm never going to finish trimming these hedges. all: aah! - may i take your order? - get a pen, skank. i want a large-- [retching]
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- can you repeat that? - i said i want a large-- [retching] - thank you, drive around. ♪ well, i have been quietly standing in the shade ♪
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♪ all of my days ♪ and i've been trying to find [ male announcer ] unlimited phone... unlimited data... unlimited life. the galaxy s3 unlimited edition with truly unlimited data. from sprint. wait, i have to get the stuff on my mom's list. "while i'm gone, no junk food."
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real cheese. shopping is easy! [ female announcer ] tasty hot pockets brand sandwiches. you'll love them. so will your kids! ♪ hot pockets! where's the nearest jack in the box? g'head. try it- i found 4 places that sell socks. not socks. jack in the box. a yak is a long-haired bovine. that's true. i like things that work, like my no- nonsense all-american jack combo. it has two 100% beef patties, melting cheese, lettuce and tomato plus fries and a drink for $4.99.
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sounds de-lish. i found one d-list celebrity nearby. - i can't believe woody fired you just for killing all those orphans and a colombian landscaper. - i don't know what happened. it was like i was drunk, but all i had was that coffee. - yeah, that is weird. i thought all landscapers were mexican. look, ethel, i'm sorry things turned out like this. i'm actually kind of sad to see you go. - oh, it's nice to hear you say that. maybe--
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[horn honking] - oh, your cab's here. [whistling] - steve! where the hell have you been? malloy is missing. denzel and i have been searching the forest all morning. - wait, denzel went into the forest? - yeah, he wasn't much help. malloy! malloy! - why is that pipe moving? - that's a snake. - yo, why those telephone poles so hairy? - those are trees. jesus... - oh, shit! there's a flying mailbox. - that's an owl, you idiot. you and ethel need to get out there and find malloy now. - actually, you fired ethel this morning. - [sobbing] ethel! [sobbing] - why did you let me do a stupid thing like that, you dumb son of a bitch? she's the only one of us that can track animals. you get ethel back and find malloy! - i'm not getting her back. i'm the one that got her fir--got-- i just said good-bye to her. - oh, yeah? well, you get her back or you're fired. and you can say good-bye to this.
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- that's not fair! - well, neither is male breast cancer. - man, this is awesome. listen, i'm sorry i assumed you were a rapist. - no problem. - boy, i am stuffed. - you 'bout to be. - i can't let you do that, ethel. - what the hell are you doing here, steve? - we need you at the park. malloy is missing. - i don't work there anymore. and i think that i've earned this. [gunshot] ow, jesus christ! - the truth is i need you, ethel. i can't do this without you. - you [bleep] shot me! - and this is hard to admit, but you're twice the ranger that i am. - i feel really cold and lightheaded right now. - you just love talking about yourself, don't you? "cold and lightheaded." you're not even listening to me! come on. get in the car. [suspenseful music] ♪
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- the footprints end here. - oh, well, that sucks. gave it our best shot. - that means he must be inside, you idiot. come on. [knocking] malloy! oh, thank god you're all right. - do i look all right? because if i do, that means you didn't notice there's a man inside of me. - holy shit, more company! come on in, y'all. i got plenty of chocolate. - you are in big trouble, buddy. you're gonna spend the next three days picking up litter. - that's it? - yeah. same-sex bear molestation is just a misdemeanor. [crash] - i'm so glad everything turned out okay. - no, everything turned out fine. except for the part where i was raped. - well, ethel, looks like you get your job back. - who gives a shit? i got raped.
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- uh-huh. steve, i guess you deserve to keep this for a while. - you know what? i think it's time for a change. wow, looks even better on this side. it's like a whole different shirt now. - you're an asshole, you know that? - [laughing evilly] she thinks i'm an asshole now. she doesn't even know that i spiked her coffee. good think i'll never tell a soul. it-- wait a minute. am i thinking this or saying this? - you spiked my coffee? - oops. - only you can prevent big vats of acid. oof! aah! [gurgling] - i [bleep] love it. - aah! [typing] ding!
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a fine one tonight, our guest tonight, president bill clinton will be joining us (cheers and applause) he is from what i am being told right now just wrapping up his piece at the democratic convention. he'll be here, i make jokes for a living. >> first, big, big, big news. >> new evidence from an ancient text that suggests jesus may have been married. jesus was married, that is some pure, uncut sitcom bait. he can raise the dead but heaven help him when he forgets to put down the
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toilet seat. kevin james is jesus in the king of kings. (applause) hang on here, that would be a good show. unless he's going to take it on stage. water walking, resurrected son of god was married. where is the evidence? >> this mattered piece of papyrus may look like a discarded business card. >> jon: let me interrupt you right there. (laughter) in what world does that look like a discarded business card? physicals it's a business card for an arc builder, maybe. but it really does look like a tattered piece of papyrus. you can't just say something in the voice over and expect to us go along with it in the off chance that our eyes are closed. it's really... sorry w what is the evidence. >> a harvard scholar has just revealed that a faded piece of papyrus written in the coptic language 400 years after jesus died contained the phrase, jesus said to them, my wife.
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>> that word, that phrase, jesus said, my wife, is cut off. (laughter) >> jon: wait, that's it? a piece of papyrus 400 years after the life of jesus that has the two words "my wife" and then just ends. that's your proof. well, let me see if i can fill that sentence out for you. jesus said my wife, if i ever find one, will really have to like thai food. or how about this. my wife, question mark, no, i'm not married. (laughter) what would real life brick tammblin say about this news. >> did you know this stunning claim, jesus had a wife? huh? the stunning new artifact just uncovered will bring you that information. >> lucky lady. (laughter)
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>> jon: what's with the vegas wayne newton cabaret matter about the marriage of jesus. hey, folks, how about a hand for these two newly-wed nazarenes, huh, jesus yoois and what's your name, sweetheart, you're a lucky lady, all right. moving on now. (laughter) hey, that must have been some honeymoon, huh, gretchen, huh? hey. moving on to our main story. the unemployment rate for veterans, 11%. 3% higher than the general population. luckily the senate today has taken up a bill that would help get jobs for the over 700,000 veterans currently out of work. >> on capitol hill legislation aimed at putting the nation's veterans back to work has been blocked in the senate. >> jon: oh, right, i forgot. it's time for our recurring segment, oh, right, because
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doing something would have the... yes, the senate voted on a bill that would provide a billion dollars to veterans, a bill that would provide a billion dollars to veterans to help them get jobs in law enforcement, fire departments and or federal land. the bill was affirmed by 58 senators, rejected by only 40, thus failing to pass because apparently in senate world 58 to 40 is a losing score and you eat out of your anus and [bleep] out of your ears. (laughter) leading the charge against america's fighting men, oklahoma senator tom coburn who opposes on grounds of fiscal responsibility. >> if, in fact, we're going to start addressing the bigger economic problems of this country, you got to quit playing felonious accounting with what you are doing, which is exactly what that bill did. it's exactly the same kind of, pardon my word, crap
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that congress has done for years. >> jon: that's right. this bill is felonious crap! (laughter) by the way, also the name of my jazz fusion band back in high school. i was... the senator... yeah. here is the sad part. that picture was taken last year. the senator and some of his colleagues felt that the proposed methods of paying for this bill imposing penalties on medicare providers who have been delinquent on taxes was a less than solid fiscal foundation. just out of curiosity, i'm just spit balling here, how did we pay for the actual wars that made these individuals veterans who now need jobs? >> engaging in accounting gimmicks over the years leaving big ticket items like war spending out of official budgets. >> jon: oh, right! by not paying for them! (laughter) at all! we didn't even put the wars on lay away and pay them down a little bit at a time. only taking the wars home when we were done with them.
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of course! we could have funded it, that would have been wrong for america. obviously senator coburn was not in the senate when the war began but i'm sure the minute he got there he brought the fiscal integrity he is famous for to even the supplement war funding bills. >> the congress has taken a vacation while we haven't passed the supplement for our troops. the american people ought to be outraged that we would leave here before we've taken care of our troops. i think it's unconscionable. >> jon: what kind of felonious crap... (laughter) so once again, $800 billion unfunded for war, a billion dollars, but paid for in a way you aren't crazy about to help the guys who fought the war get jobs afterwards, we're not made out of money, people. and that's why... oh, right, because doing something would help the... we'll be
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. very excited tonight. our guest tonight, we're very excited, king abdullah of jordan is going to be joining us on the program tonight, very excited. (cheers and applause) but first-- but first i have a question i'd like to ask you. (laughter) a fellow in the audience right before the show, a fellow in the audience asked a nice lady to marry him. here's the crazy part: met her in line. (laughter and applause) no. eight years. they've been going out for eight years. it was-- (applaus
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